


Some nights (it's okay to be alive)

by Idjit_01



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Family, Awesome Wanda Maximoff, Canonical Character Death, Caring, Crime Fighting, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Dinners, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Mental Health Issues, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Peter Parker-centric, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Canon, Precious Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Thor (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:01:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24637996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idjit_01/pseuds/Idjit_01
Summary: Some nights aren't so bad.Some nights he gets to smile.Some nights he feels so bad, that after he's convinced himself to fight, he's so slow his enemies cut through him, bruise him and knock the air out of him, and if it's on purpose, well, that's for no one to know.Some nights he remembers.(OR Peter's and the remaining Avengers' grief after Endgame and how they try to be there for each other even though they are sad)
Relationships: Peter Parker & Everyone
Kudos: 13





	Some nights (it's okay to be alive)

Some nights aren't so bad, Peter muses.

Some nights he gets to smile and watch some silly movie or play a thrilling video game for hours with Bed by his side.  
He keeps him distracted and they laugh and he may even relax enough to get pop corn or some twizzlers in his mouth.  
He chews them slowly and he swallows and he doesn't even pretend to listen to the instinct that tells him go to the bathroom, open the faucet and throw his fingers down his throat.

Some nights he gets to enjoy himself.

The excitement of catching a low-grade villain, the adrenaline of getting a fight, the rightness of stopping a crime.

Some nights he surprises himself and accepts the rare invitation to have dinner with the remaining members of the team. Some times he participates and even makes someone, *anyone* , laugh. 

He especially savours when he gets Thor to genuinely snort, because though he denies it and says he's okay, that after defeating Thanos his depression didn't bother him anymore, Peter could see how he still struggled. He could see Thor's badly masked devastated expression when he talked about Loki or even about Asgard, because even though Asgard is it's people, no one can deny what they lost. Once even he got talking about his mother, Freyya, but he choked almost immediately and closed off. 

Some nights Clint joins them, but he can feel Clint drifting away as if Natasha was the glue that kept them together and now no one is there. As if Clint doesn't make sense with the team if Natasha isn't there. 

Some nights it's just him, Pepper, Morgan and Happy, but that is also okay. It's like a family, and even though it's weird being around them without Tony there, they keep him distracted and help him talk and eat.

Some nights Peter can genuinely say he's okay. Some night he can have some food and don't feel guilty about not being part of the sacrifice that was made in the battle for half of the human beings on Earth to be alive. 

Some nights it's effortless, and when he wakes up the next morning, he's energized and productive and completely in the present morning.

But those wonderful nights sometimes don't seem worth it.

Some nights Peter hasn't left his bed all day (except to pee) because his muscles feel filled with lead.

Some nights Peter looks down from a tall building and wonders if it would really be so bad if they hadn't fought against Thanks after the first snap. Sometimes, secretively, guiltily, he wishes they hadn't fought to bring them back.

Some nights Peter throws up until he's dizzy, eyes blown red, cheeks puffy, palms wrinkled, knuckles sore, throat raw. 

Some nights the loss catches up with him and he eats until he's so bloated he can't move.

Some nights he feels so bad, that after he's convinced himself to fight, he's so slow his enemies cut through him, bruise him and knock the air out of him, and if it's on purpose, well, that's for no one to know.

Some nights he goes to work with Bruce on a new enhancer or healing chemical thingy -Bruce gets mad when he talks like this, because, come one, he isn't stupid- but he can't think and Bruce respects him and doesn't pry. But he makes more breaks and smiles until his cheeks ache.

Some nights hit him like a train at full speed, and he finds himself, heart palpitating, breaths ragged and impossible, so sure he's going to die oh no he's going to die he's going todie he's goingtodiehe'sgoingtodie-

Some nights Wanda finds him before he can engage in any self destructing "coping" mechanisms. Sometimes she's soothing and nostalgic and talks to him about Pietro and puts him to sleep. 

One night in particular, one of the firsts, he's so out of it- he's drowning in his own grief and suddenly he finds himself in the lab or in the Stark tower.

He looks up when he can and sees Tony looking at him. They talk- he can't even remember what about and he enjoys and he laughs and he smiles and ignores the feeling of wronwrongwrongwrong-

He falls asleep like that and when he wakes up it's even worse. He feels like he hasn't slept and his eyes sting as if he had been crying -which, no way, he hasn't- And he can't breathe when he remembers -Because he had genuinely forgotten that they were all dead. 

He doesn't leave his room in a week and a half and when Wanda finally managed to apologize Ned has already cleaned up his piss-tears-and-filth covered sheets and nagged Peter enough to shower. So, never again.

Most nights he can't sleep. Whether he's drowning or restless, whether he's crying or laughing his cheeks sore, he can't close his eyes for enough time without his spidersenses telling him he's under attack. Some nights he welcoms it, because he really does want to die. Others he dreads it, because he is okay and he knows nothing's really wrong. He knows it's fake. The worst nights he's terrified. He failed and he's alive and though most people are better now he is not and he shouldn't be alive but he isn't brave enough to actually want to give that up.

Some nights he remembers. Not back to Tony or May, or even Ben. Sometimes he remembers his parents. Though it's fuzzy, their faces are blurry and their voices distorted and he can't really hear what they're saying. 

Sometimes he feels guilty for not wanting to die. He feels guilty for feeling fine. Those nights he gets to sleep to not think. Some of those nights, he gets weed to accomplish sleep.

And though most nights are excruciatingly painful and some days he can't function, he's learning that he will be okay.

That though most days he knows he has done enough, that he has lived enough, and godhe'ssotired and he deserves to end it all, he just has to ride through it, because he will be okay.

And though now he just lives because he owes it to those who sacrificed themselves for him to live, he's been assured that one day he'll live for himself and he can't help but hope, deeply in his core, for that day to come.


End file.
